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THE TENTH BAD THING ABOUT DEVIL MUSIC
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As a red-blooded american heathen, I do not believe in a "DEVIL"-per-se. And , while I don't believe in a DEVIL -I DO believe in DEVIL MUSIC.

Recently, however, the phrase DEVIL MUSIC has been so wildly overused and so grossly misapplied that it is in danger of becoming another meaningless, empty-shell of a catch phrase (kinda like "rock and roll" ). --- being able to recognize true Devil Music ,amidst a growing mob of pretenders, is no longer a simple matter of differentiating good from evil or right fromwrong...

It is with this mind, that I feel it my solemn duty to; take up the sooty torch of righteous indignation, glug back some lighter fluid....and blow a Gene-(with makeup)-flame on this misappropriation-spree.

One could argue that, given my admitted lack of faith in An Unholy One, I am unqualified to draw distinctions between DEVIL MUSIC and "It sounds like she's singing to a GUY--- but she could be singing to JESUS" MUSIC....and,of course, you would be correct,( although I can say with some confidence, that Courtney Loves' music remains bouyant in either puddle.)

Historically, in America,"Devil Music" was used as a term of derision, by people who played gospel music in churches, when referring to those who played gospel music in taverns...........or so I have grown to understand it, thru countless documentaries (as well as the Ralph Macchio, tour de force: "Crossroads").

Latley though, Devil Music- seems to have sprouted feet and seems to be running boogily-woogily over its former custodians,namely; those uppity Fundamentalist Christians, who have apparently removed this chore from their busy-body job descriptions. Unfortunately, todays Biblebelters seem to be more intent on building "pro-life bombs" than mounting a respectable record burning.

This may be due, in part, to the fact that CD's doesn't take to a flame as well as good ol' vinyl did (jeez,did I need another good reason to miss records?) -I have, on a few occasions, attempted this and I can assure you that it is a waste of time and Butane.....
Of course, by now, it is common knowledge that a Compact Discs' only natural enemy is "the dust particle". Which leads me to believe that somebody in the PTL-promo dept. must have realized that, sacrificially-wise, a circle of modern day inqusitors sprinkling lint on a small pile of Compact Discs(...er, not many of those to the pound!)--didn't quite pack the same photo-op-punch as a good old fashioned pyre of sleazy black vinyl.

So I suppose you can finally chalk one up for CD's, under the "makes a less willing sacrifice" column. But don't you find it rather creepy (and really, really super-apocolyptic) that; as our storage mediums grow less and less flammable -the embedded sound grows more and more disposable?-

(Which makes me wonder if anybody up there even considers it worth their while anymore- ---Given the rock-culture revolutions that MTV ritually sponsor every year, or so...." but,the change isn't due for another month!"...)

Throughout the first half of the century-"Race music" was so mired in double-entendre and un-cipherable slang,that lyrics like "Dust my Broom" and "Come on in my Kitchen" must have sounded like nice "Negro, Service-Industry Anthems" - or at the very least, harmless gibberish -----that is, to the tiny amount of white folks that actually heard them. No one really cared what anyone was singing about, until it began reappearing on Rolling Stones records.(" squeeze his what?"-- and If you've ever seen a 50's clip of Pat Boone singing the Little Richard rocker "Tutti Frutti"-you can be pretty certain that he actually believes he is singing about ice-cream.) (which eventually led to such half-encoded monstrosities as "My Ding a Ling" and "Assmaster")

Organised Christianity has never (naw) been quick to pass judgement on those issues which it does not fully understand .
Therefore, it only seems natural that, the most obvious irritant in Rock and Roll would have been the thunderous backbeat,and its' immediate effect on the impressionable teenage rumpus.

Somewhere along the line, those "savage jungle rhythms", which so over-excited yesterdays' teen hormones, were yanked from the Big BBQ and placed in the the Good Lords' toolbox. (....and today, get as much grease as those tried and proven utensils of fundamentalism; guns,lies and harrassment........)

What could have reclaimed this former swizzlestick of primitive urge?...this "boom boom" of "out go the lights"?..............this Afro-Cuban BoogieBeat, marching our children in zombie-lockstep back to the caves?.....

Well- It dosent take a spyglass to spot the racist engine that was pulling this choo-train of thought, -which-(and i'm really beginning to regret this metaphor)-rattled the rails until around 1966.

When one sunny Beatle-day, John Lennon offhandedly observed that "the Beatles are now more popular than Jesus Christ"- which, aside from being the very best thing ever uttered by a rock musician in his own time,- also provided Devil Music with its' first White blaspheming face.
(there is currently a Christian Rock hit called "I'm never gonna be bigger that Jesus Christ"- ---and although I am usually not given to any form of religious prophesy - I will take bets on this one.......)

Prior to this perfect gaff, preachers had been trying for years to grow horns on Elvis , but nothing ever took root (uh...cuz he was so gal-dang greasy, and, in case of emergency, had a backlog of gospel recordings that could be pressed and in the stores, in a matter of hours........),really....when it came right down to it he was "one of them". (I still consider him the "king" however)

Bob Dylan was biblical and and socially correct to begin with-(during a major childhood trauma of mine, otherwise known as the "Folk Mass" - I witnessed a singing nun, run down "Blowin in the Wind" ...much to my lasting dismay.)

- Enter then, your "Pleased to meat chyooos!" and "Hare Ramaaaas" and we all know what happened next. Thats right,bro ...the PSYCHO-DELICK SIXTIEEEES -Which (with a heapin helpin of hindsight) forever proved the equation:"free your ass and your mind will follow" as a basic neurological fact.
(at the time, Arthur Browns' "Fire" even had the Anglicans' pissed off---er... and they're sorta like the "PBS" of Christians....)

Well, eventually, In the name of the Lord, and to aid in the "spreadability" of his message, some crafty Christian must've figgered, "Hey, why don't we just TAKE THAT HAMMER; but pound in OUR OWN NAILS!.

In those areas of the country where parents (as cable subscribers) somehow feel Beavis and Butthead are not appropriate viewing material for their youngsters---MTV is often replaced with the Christian Rock cable station;" Z Music".


...Only in America , where one horrible lie is customarily replaced by another, even-more horrible lie, can something this irresponsible be concievable.


Personally, I've never been drunk enuff to mistake this channel for MTV....which is really saying something... ,not only in terms of "how drunk I can get", but also in the quality of their programming.( I have been drunk enough to mistake it for the Canadian Rock Station "Much Music")( .......and if I'm talkin' like someone who has a sattelite dish,... and knows how to use it ....well, I do).

MTV is basically selling you one thing , namely; "MTV" ,and contrary to their lust for correctness - they are not shy about this , .... one could even go so far, as to describe their shameless self-promotion as being "upfront". In a matter of moments, you are made well aware that MTV is in the house-and rarely does one have to wait more than a minute for them to whip out their stinking badge.

Z Music is also selling you one thing ; namely "Jesus Christ".....Although , I have personally sat and watched this channel for almost an hour without hearing the words "Jesus" or "Christ"-( ....and it all seems to be mired in single-entendres and 700 club-slang)

I should know by now, not to ask questions that I don't want the answers to, but; what the hell does the letter "Z" have to do with Jesus? --- I, of course, expect no less of an doofus answer than STRYPER used to provide for their name. ; Isaiah 14:44 "and he shall come wearing stripes" ----which just sounds dirty to me...................................but I am genuinely a-scared that I will one day learn that it stands for the Z in JeeezZzuuus.)

Stylistically, the Christian Rock Sound seems to be stalled somewhere around Late-era Styx and early Steve Perry-era -Journey-and is always gets a double-dip in todays "glam-country" reverb.
Yet, I am certain that it is only a matter of time , before some astute Christian Rock Manager finds "A Christian Man" that can sing like a "Non-Christian Man."

Cinematically, the videos run the gamut, - from the "Queensryche" all-billowed-out, with-nowhere-to go look ,to the "Pringles Eye Punisher"( which refers to the pressed potato chip bongo-mercial) all the way to a Z Music innovation; "the Sexy Christian" video, which is far better seen than described, but suffice it to say -....."see ya in church, Baby!".

Clearly then- I am uncomfortable with a modern definition of Devil Music as simply; "christian rock turned upside down".Which, in and of itself , only serves as a damn good description of the group "live". And it is my appointed task to explain not only what Devil Music is , but also, what it isn't.

Therefore It would be ridiculous of me to think that the entire scope of rock and roll could be contained in one of these two categories ---- DEVIL MUSIC and CHRISTIAN ROCK ----which would effectivly create a grey area as wide as Billy Corgans midsection, .....and twice as natural.(...and, well.......as they say.... "some men just can't wear trousers!")

..... having been in the garment trade,- and knowing a thing or two about inseams-I was able to stitch together a new PLUS-SIZE system using more realistic measurements. A system which, I believe to be equitable, critically sound and would still allow a" skosh more room" for rock and rolls ever expanding waistline----

Therefore,I propose that we cram all known rock music into one of followingthree categories: DEVIL MUSIC ,CHRISTIAN ROCK and the soon-to-be-a-household-word; "DEVILISH" MUSIC.---

.... Where I grew up,in western PA, the word "DEVILISH" (colloquial pronunciation;"dave-UH-leesh") was used in place of " asshole" -when referring to the conduct of an ill-behaved, child, - or in place of "thief" -when referring to the conduct of a family member- old enough to be charged with a felony. I use the phrase "Devilish", when referring to music, in much the same manner--

and to quickly sum our terms:

DEVIL MUSIC is "gospel music (and its' derivatives) played in taverns"

DEVILISH MUSIC is a polite synonym for; music played by assholes and thieves.

CHRISTIAN ROCK is exactly what it sounds like -and anything that sounds like it.

....Well, I know, at the outset, it sounds pretty simple....but it has its' quirks - most notably : where DEVIL MUSIC is concerned-one should NEVER worry about PURITY OF ESSENCE --because pureness infers goodness, and goodness infers home-cookin' and home-cookin' infers a bake sale and before you know it, yer right back in the lap of the lord...... selling cupcakes.

(This terminology also appeals to me 'cuz it sounds relatively non-offensive- I mean, "The King of Devilish Music" dosent have a particularly bad ring to it.....or does it?)

ROB ZOMBIE is the king of DEVILISH music.(no exceptions)

DEVIL MUSIC has no royal family.

DEVIL MUSIC reminds one that; regardless of the activity you may be engaging in at the moment- you could always be fucking-(even if that activity happens to be fucking.)

DEVILISH MUSIC reminds one that Rob Zombie is the king of Devilish Music.

DEVIL MUSIC ; will not deliver you from your addictions-in fact-it will encourage them.

DEVILISH MUSIC PERFORMANCE NOTE; before inflicting your devilish music on others -one should issue an appropriate apology and/or disclaimer.....possibly something along the lines of...."Canadian Food*and White Zombie are my two guilty pleasures!"-(never precede the playing of devilish music with any statement resembling the following :'You should really give the new White Zombie record another listen.....here...let me put it on for you..."- This ,of course, implies that the deficit in taste lies with the listener...which is clearly not the case .)

DEVIL MUSIC has never been/ nor will it ever be released in a"Volume" format.

CHRISTIAN ROCK reminds one that they are almost out of whiskey.

Well- I must say that I'm pretty happy with how my system stacks up....Except that, while clearing up one popular misconception- I seem to have insulted the Canadians, who may be the only people that actually buy Raging Slab records. I would, therefore, like to assure my northern brethren that it was only for effect.






*this is an alleged "cusuine" and is not the name of a rock group.